


Something in a major key

by charleslikesjazzes



Series: A study in relationships [2]
Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Disabled Character, Comfortember 2020, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Title is from a Z Berg Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27392347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charleslikesjazzes/pseuds/charleslikesjazzes
Summary: Trigger warning: panic attacks and swearing.I am not a therapist and even though I suffer from anxiety I am not the best at describing a panic attack, so bear with me.Written for the 4th day ofcomfortemberwhich isKris’idea. The prompt was “Anxiety”.Unbeta’d.
Relationships: But It Goes Away If You Squint, Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Series: A study in relationships [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005501
Kudos: 6





	Something in a major key

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: panic attacks and swearing.
> 
> I am not a therapist and even though I suffer from anxiety I am not the best at describing a panic attack, so bear with me.
> 
> Written for the 4th day of [comfortember](https://baloobird.tumblr.com/post/628366346394189824/comfortember) which is [Kris’](http://baloobird.tumblr.com) idea. The prompt was “Anxiety”.
> 
> Unbeta’d.

When Erik turns to face Charles, he knows it. He can almost feel Charles as if he were the telepath and Charles was only a mare human right in front of him. The raw power coming from his best friend - partner, _lover_ , the enemy - is so much that even Magneto, with his helmet on, can feel it.

«I don’t want to hurt you, Charles,» he says, because it’s true. He says because that’s the only thing he can think of and the only rational thought he’s had since he set foot in the mansion and saw Charles on his wheelchair. «Already did that, didn’t work out, did it?»

Charles wants to scream, but also to cover his ears and crawl back into his room, with something like Miserere Mei from the record player that he still has on, and the covers right up over his head. He wants to run as much as he wants to face the fact that Erik Lehnsherr is pretty much right in front of him, and with his helmet on nonetheless.

«Then stop,» he replies in an almost calm voice, even though his whole body is shivering and his leg is hurting like crazy - even if he _knows_ that it isn’t possible, that he lost leg privilege that day on that damn Cuban beach - because he is scared. Not of Erik being in front of him, mind me, but of what his body decided to do in response of Erik being in front of him.

For once, his posture is straight and composed on his chair, and his mind is literally killing him; he can feel a migraine approaching and his powers are bouncing left and right, trying to find the comfort of a brain that they’re unable to reach because of the helmet.

«You left me on that beach, Erik. How do you think I felt like? You were my best friend, my- I gave you myself, Erik. And you sent a bullet right into my spine!»

His shivering doesn’t calm, not for even a second, and he is slowly feeling hotter and hotter as the time went on. Or is it simply the room the one that is slowly getting less cold? 

Erik stays still, knowing Charles too much to try and do or say anything, and also because the raw power in the room is slowly getting more and more prominent and he feels like wearing his helmet was the worst thing to do.

«Charles, I- you- you know that I didn’t mean that. She was shooting at me and I had no other ways to protect myself! You could have stopped her! But you didn’t! And your power resides in your brain, it’s not like you can’t use them anymore, you are still Professor X, aren’t you?»

Xavier shocks his head, a rather sad smile on his lips, and then does what Erik is not expecting, he puts a hand on this leg while replies: «I can’t use my powers without control, Erik, you should know. How can I control my powers when I can’t even control my own body? When I can’t even _feel_ my own body? You took my control from me, what do I have now?»

He has to stop, even if he has more things to say, because- his heart is pounding like crazy, and his chest is doing that strange thing when it can’t quite expand as it is meant to, and-

_this is not real this is not real this is not_

Except that it is, and now his hands’ fingers are tingling, and his breath is short and not completely useful, and it’s the reason why he’s feeling invisible hands trying to choke him to death. He frantically tries to gesture Erik what is happening, now completely sure that what he’s experiencing is a panic attack - not his first, he went to Oxford and was the best of his class.

Erik is still trying to understand what to reply to his friend’s sudden burst of anger, so he isn’t really paying attention to the figure on the wheelchair. He doesn’t do anything until he feels his head pounding and his helmet hot against his face and- had it always been this tight?

He finally pays attention to Charles and feels his breath literally stop when he sees the state of his friend’s face. He’s crying and his face is red as if he was concentrated on doing something- on trying to use his powers against Erik even if he has the helmet on? But surely Charles knows that the helmet blocks every kind of telepathy, and he surely isn’t the one who used the same helmet to get his attention, right?

He decides to remove it, since it’s starting to actually hurt, and what he got in response isn’t something he was ready for. Just one second after he removes the helmet he feels another person in the back of his head, a person he knows too well.

Not only that but fear and pain and anger and self-pity crawl into his psyche as well, almost making him feel like _he_ was the one having a panic attack.

_i can’t breathe please Erik please help me please I don’t know what to do it hurts please_

He tries to calm himself, even if the power he was feeling before - that was all Charles? - seems to be completely concentrated in his head, all with only one mission: making him fall in the dark hole that was that panic attack. «Everything is okay, Charles, I am here, I need you to breathe with me, okay?»

Charles’ image in Erik’s mind shocks his head, while the actual body in front of him stays still, almost too still. 

_I don’t- I can’t quite feel my body in this moment it’s never happened like this please help me I am scared_

It’s because you are stronger, Erik thinks and tries to think of something else. He has had to deal with anxiety since he was a little kid, PTSD mixed with general anxiety made worse by the fact that he was a mutant. «Can you name me five things you can touch?»

He feels the presence in the back of his head making itself smaller, while the professor starts to actually talk, with his voice and not his head this time: «The- the armrests and- and the backrest. I can reach the handgrips and the handles if I stretch. Nothing else, I s’ppose, sorry.»

Erik nods and tries to go on. «You are going well, Charles, now, four things you can see?» he asks, and the professor struggles more than before to find them: his vision is blurry because of the tears and something in his mind is telling him that listening to Erik’s soothing voice is a mistake.

«I can see- you, the- the wall, my hand and- fuck!» he replies, the last one being because raising his hand only shows him how badly he is shivering. «And- and the floor.»

Erik nods, again, and in some ways, Charles is already feeling better. The chandelier nobody noticed was moving finally stopped, and the room is feeling surely colder than before. «Can you name me three things you can hear?»

Charles almost laughs at this one. _Almost_. «I can- I am hearing everyone. As if I still were a little kid who just discovered his powers. I can’t have any moment of silence- but, I can hear your voice, mine and Hank’s thoughts in the kitchen,» he says in the end, his voice calm and- suddenly he isn’t shivering anymore, and his breath is completely normal and steady.

He tries to raise his head and thank Erik for calming him, only to find nothing. It’s not the first time it happens, he thinks, and of course, he is right. He made up people to calm himself before, they just- never felt so real.

“Since the beach, your power seems to be multiplied, professor,” he remembers Hank saying and- yeah, he can believe it true. He sighs and quickly gets himself out of the wheelchair, just to lay down in his bed.

«Goodnight, Charles,» he hears a familiar voice say, just before dozing off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [tumbrl](http://tired-tired-genderqueer.tumblr.com%20tumbrl) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/eddjetrashmouth?s=09)


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